what’s weird is how little we seem to remember and retain. I doubt most of us would remember what we had for lunch 3 days ago, of what we woke up feeling that morning and what the day meant to us. memories are fleeting, and i have been thinking about this for days now, how days churn up together in a mill, each becoming less important than they are now, how days if not dates, seemingly lose meanings, becoming a pulp of raw nothingness, did we even live those days? if so, how?
birthdays, anniversaries, mournversaries. we remember those, we remember what we had to eat and what we woke up feeling, and what the day meant to us. isn’t this a conundrum on its own? how we have to force a label or a meaning for a day to become what it is not, to retain meaning otherwise that it will lose? lose to become a hazy thought, foggy meaning and a full-throttle effort on your brain-to remember, forcing it to remember what had happened that had happened.
at 16, i had GCSEs aka board exams. for 12 hours, the last 2 months, i would be found head bent pouring over my books, making notes, promising myself good food, trying my hardest to keep myself motivated. little slips of ‘you can do it!’, ‘just 3 more days of torture’ and ‘i believe in you’s scribbled along on tiny slips of torn paper on my workstation at the library. little would my self-motivational tricks help than perhaps hearing back then, another say of how i was doing okay, that it was okay to take breaks and that it wasn’t an end of the world as it felt back in the moment, but that’s all in the past now. i acknowledge that i worked hard, got scholarships and perhaps somehow still ended up being where i am now.
is hardwork all down the drain if you don’t end up being where you first promised yourself? is the end product, the ending itself is what’s important than the churned-up balled effort that it took? no, it is not.
i’m turning 22 this year. that steps that i have taken become me.